WHEN DID YOU LOSE YOUR SELF-ESTEEM?!!!

There is a Michael Jackson song entitled “Man in the mirror”.  The chorus says “I’m looking at the the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to change his ways”.

My question is right to the point. WHAT HAPPENED?!!!!!!

My friend called me whining about how her dude took advantage of her.  Let me set the scene. She met this guy, who at first she was not even attracted to, but settled because his friend was not giving her a second look…first sign of trouble, you settled. After she found out this dude wasn’t about anything, she decided to “help him because he was trying”…translated….I gave it up, now I am attached to this man emotionally because of a soul tie, can’t shake him, so now I am going to try and make him into the man I REALLY WANT !!!  Can someone hit the buzzer for me?   ANGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!  WRONG MOVE ! First of all, you cannot change a person, that person must have a desire to change and make actions toward doing so.

Wait a minute. It gets worse. She goes and CO-SIGNS for this clown a car, gets him a cell phone (what man in this day and age does not have his own freakin’ cell phone ?!!!!!  I guess this one didn’t !!!), starts buying this brother clothes, etc.   It gets worse, hold on.  THEN, finds out that he is still dealing with his childrens’ mother, and has the nerve (as she would say) to keep going back and forth. My friend then said, “What is wrong with him?  I am the better woman. I got a better paying job, I don’t have a bunch of kids, and  I am holding it down. Why would he want to go back to her and she is on welfare?”. I then stated that it was not what was wrong with him, but the question is WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ?!!!   When did your self esteem go down the toilet !!!!

Some women keep getting the same old losers because they are so pressed to have someone !!!  These type of men require too much maintenance. But to put it bluntly, they don’t require any maintenance at all on my part. They are losers and should be placed in the pile where they belong.   Why are you putting your credit at risk (if he has not jacked it up already and putting your livelihood on the line for a man who wants a free ride?!!!

In the end this brother did not pay for the car (it got repossessed and my friend got sued for that), the cell phone bill was sky high (she is still paying for that), and guess where clown is…you guessed it, right with his babies momma!!! 

The Word states “For as he thinks in his heart so is he.” “Eat and drink!” he says to you, But his heart is not with you” !  Translated….the way you feel about yourself, that is the way he is treating you. He does not care about the sleepless nights (unless you are giving him sex), the creditors calling, and the struggle. He is treating you as if you are desperate because that is the way you are coming across. Guess what? He is right.   We determine how people treat us. If we let people walk over us and treat us like dirt, why should we be mad at them? We set the scene.

Look in the mirror girl. What do you see?  Do you think God is pleased with your mess. Putting some lump of nothing BEFORE HIM. My father on his death bed said something so profound, the nurses thought it was the medication, I knew it was God. He said, “Jesus weeps for those who make His way hard”. So true. We make it so hard for God to bless us with the right people in our lives because we cannot wait for His timing. He TRIES TO BLESS US, but since he is the perfect gentleman, he WILL NOT go against your will”. Go ahead, keep messing with the crumbs, you will never get the whole loaf.

GROWN WOMAN…what men NEED to know

When you are ready mentally, emotionally, and spiritually you may decide it is time to find a grown woman, meaning, a real woman. A woman who will fill that void you have tried so many times to fill with various women but still walked away empty and unfulfilled. I am going to share with you what you should know upfront before stepping to a “true” grown woman.

(1) She WILL investigate you no matter how smooth your game “appears” to be. Public records are our #1 friend, word of mouth is our second.  I met a guy once, seemed really cool. I always ask upfront “Do you have a girlfriend?” “Are you married?”. Question #1: Negative. Question #2: Negative. But, women’s intuition (I prefer discernment) kept bringing me back to question #2. Are you married? No.  Are you married. No. Are you married. No.  So, I go to my trustworthy public records, and dude was married as can be. Showed his marriage license and everything ! Showed his lawsuits, his pending foreclosures, car repossesion ! WHEW!  Dodged that bullet ! NEWSFLASH… if you are not single, divorced, or a widower, you ARE MARRIED !!!! Legally separated/separated? NEWSFLASH….you are still married!!!!   Thank you God for public records !  Do you know this clown still tried to say he was single after I busted him out with his wife’s name, birthdate, their anniversary, his best man, etc. !! Ooooo just simple, that what he was,  just simple !!!!!!!

(2) If you are caught lying in the beginning..you are done. You have lost all credibility and 9 chances out of 10 you will not have the opportunity to redeem yourself. You can attempt to slip back in a couple of months later;we will eat dinner with you, but then back to the curb you go !!!

(3) Yes, we are independent but we desire to have a strong man to be the head of our families. We can can hold it down when necessary, but truthfully we would rather you do it and we have your back.  Women by nature are nurturers. We were not created to fight it out in the doggie-dog world; we were forced to do so.

(4)  A real woman does not measure your worth by how much you make (that’s a man thing). Quiet as it is kept, most women don’t desire some rich athlete or entertainer (especially because we would possibly have to share you with other women).  Give me a hard working, God-fearing, loyal, faithful man who delivers for Coca-Cola !!!!!

(5) The 3 strikes out rule: Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. But a real woman, who is about her business, takes care of her family, and comfortable in her own skin, we will have our limits. With the exception of physical and mental abuse (you are gone on strike one). Most women can tolerate relationship challenges, but for repeat offenders, the 3-strike rule applies. 

(i) Cheating – In the day of AIDS, no true woman wants to put her life on the line for your indiscretions. I am being laxed on 3 strikes here: for most of us it is once, twice is pushing it.  

(ii) Lying (see my blog on lying about stupid stuff!!!).  Enough said. 

(iii) Never keep your word.   Most times this is a tell-all about how you feel about us. It also tells us that we have not set any standards. A true woman let’s you know up front the type of lady you are dealing with. She is not abrasive, but she is very clear. A man who shows up late consistently (and acts like he doesn’t care especially), breaks promises or makes empty ones he has no intention of filling, calls spasmatically, puts his “boys”  before us, will be terminated. Plain and simple. Some women are more longsuffering than others, but most will give you three times to disappoint us and we will move on, with or without a replacement.

(6) You MUST have a relationship with God.  If you want a Proverbs 31 woman you must step up to the plate as well. Your relationship with God teaches you how to treat us, and in turn YOU reap the benefits. No real woman wants a man who can’t even pray over a plate of food !!! Read the Word and see for yourself! Don’t expect God to give you one of his princesses and you half-step with the Lord yourself !   A woman will not submit to you unless she trusts you completely. We may disagree with some of your decisions, but we will roll with it because we know it is for the good of our family;that is your primary intention. It is God and God alone who sets all that up ! Don’t let what you see your boys do in the world fool you. You only know what people tell you !!!

(7)  You must have a job !  We don’t care where you work (except if you deal drugs and/or take other women’s money…including your momma’s) !!! Just work somewhere !!!  A real woman wants a man who is a provider and a protector. We don’t want to have to force ourselves into a role we never intended to have ! If you want to go to school, go for it !  Just take some classes at night. Trust me, we will work with you on this one. We will type up papers, make copies, save dinner, and throw in a backrub if we see you are trying to make it happen for our family !!!

I know I have some men saying there are women out there who will take care of them. This is true. But remember you will pay in the end. I have met men in their 50’s and 60’s, players all their lives living off of women; until they get old, that is. In the end they are on food stamps, no work experience, no retirement, and trying to reach back and get one of their “side kids” to qualify for Medicaid. Sad,  but true. Don’t let this happen to you. The only thing in life that is free is salvation, remember that.

In closing, if you did not have a clue, now you do.  Some of my work is done.

LYING ABOUT STUPID STUFF !!!

The stories that I have been told and the experiencies I have had myself always seem to amaze me why people lie about stupid stuff !  Maybe it is the fear of the other persons reaction, fear of confrontation, or maybe it is just being trifling !

Men: Why do you lie about stuff that is so simple?!!  So much drama could be avoided if you just told the truth in the first place. My friend told me about a situation where her guy used her car to run an errand. She asked him “Baby will you put some gas in the car on the way back, it’s low, and I have to be at work early in the morning?”.  “Sure baby”, he replied.  He returns home. My friend, “Babe were you able to put some gas in the car?”. He states  “Oh yeah, I got it covered”.   Guess what?  Next morning, pouring rain outside, my friend gets in her car…EMPTY !!!  So, off to the gas station to pump gas in the pouring rain, and on top of that late for work. Why did he lie about that?!!!  A woman would have accepted, although maybe irritated, if you just fessed up that you forgot, had no money on you, ran short of time, anything !!!!  But don’t tell us you did it, and then WHAM, out of gas !!!!  That is just stupid.

Man #2: My other friend met a gentleman who seemed really nice. Personally I think he is still a good guy. But then, he started off lying about stupid stuff ! Women ALWAYS investigate a guy they are interested in. Is that right or wrong? Your call. Anyway, she found out that he was on this dating site, picture and all. She asked him “Hey, I saw you on such-and-such dating site. Are you into internet dating?”. His reply, “That’s not me”. She stated that it was the SAME PICTURE that he had given her as a gift. Come on now, it is STILL NOT YOU??!!! He stated his “brother” created this profile so he can look at women when he is mad at his girl !  AGAIN, COME ON NOW !!!!!  This was the beginning of breakdown in communication between  two individuals that could possibly lead to something good.  All breaking down behind a stupid lie! My friend stated that all she was making was conservation, she was not judging, hell, she was on there herself, but he started off in a lie.  Result: Breakdown in communication, the beginning of the end (before it even got started) !!!!

Sometimes men, just be honest up front. If you are on the internet, say so.  If you are not interested in a relationship and just want sex, just say so. There are some women who have a “man mentality” and are not interested in forging a relationship. There are other women who will try to reel you in, so they will be down for anything. But if anything, if you are honest upfront there is no need to try to remember your lies and count the days of being busted !! I personally like a guy who is honest upfront, at least I know where he is coming from, and then I can make a decision on whether I want to continue in the relationship.  One lie leads to another lie and another lie, and the cycle will continue until the relationship or possible relationship is just plain broken, and no one can trust the other !

Women:  Why do YOU lie about stupid stuff? Your hair ! Come on !  Most men know that women wear weave, so why are you fronting that is your hair ! Most men I know don’t care as long as it looks natural and not way down below your butt.  One of my friends lied about this and when things got physical the guy found out and thought it was a turnoff, not the weave, but the lying.

Women#2: Why be pretentious and lie about stupid stuff?  Stop trying to be something that you are not.  I  saw this girl at a NBA game who looked like she had it all together !  I was in awe !  I wanted to be just like her.  Any NBA or NFL player would kill to be with this woman. Well, my aunt knew her history ! She said “Oh, she looks all together, but she doesn’t have a pot to piss in”!!!  I was shocked. Girlfriend spent all of her money on clothes, hair, nails, etc., but had no car, and lived with her mother, she had two kids but had given them to other relatives. Just selfish. All about herself, which in reality was not amounting to much.

There is an old saying “To thy own self be true”. I agree with that, being truthful with others about the little things, leads to truthfulness about the big things, which enhances communication, trust and love. Good combination, you think?

SHOW AND TELL !! Believe them the 1st time

Okay here we go…  I had another subject that was going to be my next blog  but then I got this phone call. My cousin called me up to talk to me about my other cousin who is cohabitating (okay…shacking up) with her babies (you see this is pleural, right?) daddy. She has had two kids by this man and all of a sudden (yeah right) he wants her to move out with the kids, stating they are no longer compatible (this as after she refused his advances in front of the kids).  Now to the point… this man has showed her over and over that he does not want her, that he does not respect her. Why do women refuse to believe what they see?  A man shows you more than he can tell you. A man can tell you anything, but keeping up the facade in action is another story.

First of all, I cannot understand why a woman would keep having children by a man who will not marry her. My cousin has gotten into physical altercations with the “other woman” at Wal-Mart, went to jail…Whew !!  All that drama is unneccesary. Why can’t a woman accept it when a man not only tells her that he does not want her but shows her as well?  At some point the woman is just being dumb !  Not in love, but dumb. You want to hang onto this lump of nothing  just so you won’t be alone. Don’t give me the line about you wanting the kids to be around their father. They can still see their father through legal visitation when you get the child support order !

Why must women continue to subject themselves to such treatment? When a person shows you who they are the first time, believe them. I know men outnumber women, but at some point the line has to be drawn !  When my cousin said that now my cousin is sleeping on the floor because he does not want her in the bed, I was done at that point.

A woman must make up in her own mind that she can be happy alone as opposed to being in a fake relationship and be miserable. Trust me, there are plenty of places to find someone else to snore in your face at night and tell you what you want to hear !

Some men are running big game ! I notice them on facebook. You should see some of the postings on my male facebook friends pages !  These women are chasing them and these men are running several women at the same time through a social networking site ! And men, don’t think that we don’t look wall to wall to see where the responses are originating from. Sometimes men can be dumb too ! I just saw where two girls are trying to outpost the other for one of my male friends.

All I am asking is stop being so pressed and making unwise decisions;these are affecting not just you but how your kids are receiving how they are to be treated or treat others. Get some respect for yourself ! Stop insulting the God who made you and died for you ! I can imagine the Lord is in heaven shaking his head at some of the decisions that are being made. I am already shaking my head !

In closing, may I ask…would you give God a chance PLEASE???!!!!

RED LIGHT SPECIAL !!!!

Remember the song by TLC “Red Light Special” ! That used to be my jam ! Of  course I was a big TLC fan believe it is not !  (I can hear my friend Shawn laughing and shaking his head right now !!)  Anyway, the last blog posting was about giving the right thing to the wrong person. I asked at the end do you know the signs. Well do you?   If not, I am going to give them to you. Here we go……

(1) She seems to be too good to be true ! My god-mother always said if it seems too good to be true, then most likely it is. Everyone has their flaws, and if you think a woman is going to look fly every moment of the day, including when she gets out of bed, you are going to be disappointed. She seems to have it going on mentally and spiritually – Ladies can play the game just as well as men, and even longer (it is well known that women have staying power, meaning they can hold out longer than men in ALL AREAS). We will tell you what you want to hear as we KNOW that the most frail thing is the MAN’S  EGO, next in line is SEX. Most real women, know what to say, what to do, and WHEN TO DO IT !!  OKayyyyyyyyyyyy????

(2) She is too available, too aggressive, fails in love TOO FAST, or a combination of all (that would be dangerous) !!! I hear fatal attraction coming on.

(3) She is eager to please you by cooking up food for you, buying you clothes (instead of her kids in some cases), cleaning your house, washing your clothes. In other words, she is playing wifey before there is a ring !

(4) She has no plan or vision for her life. Men, stop trying to mold women into who YOU WANT THEM TO BE !!!!  You cannot change a person !! Women will play along with it for a while to get what they want out of you and then they will REBEL ! You cannot make a person a better person, they must want that for themselves.

(5) She is not working and or in school. How do you spell L-A-Z-Y ?!!! Yep. Lazy. Nuff said.

(6) She thinks the “system” (welfare) or the world owes her something. Some women are generational welfare, that’s their mindset. Do you want a woman like that in your life? I would think not. You would want a woman who could uplift you and bring out the best in you, have your back. Know what I mean? (if not, write me, I will go deeper)   Don’t get me wrong everyone can hit hard times but a woman continuously on welfare 5, 6, 7 years or more…..come on now. This is a sign she is co-dependent and she will suck the life out of you !!!

(7) She is needy and smothering. You heard this before “I thought you were going to call me when you got home”, “Where you been, where you going, how long, when, blah, blah, blah”. General concern is one thing, but blowing up your phone, riding by your house (most of the time in one of her girl’s car so you won’t notice), going by your hotspots (and sometimes your friend’s house as well), and last but not least, sitting outside your crib until you get home (this will get ugly sometimes).

(8) She is angry and hateful. Not at the beginning, remember we women can hold out for a while, but then when the true self arises, WATCH OUT !!! She is always talking about her ex and how he did her wrong . RED LIGHT for real ! She is bitter and not healed inside. You will more than likely be the recipient of her wrath. Keep it moving !!

(9) She just wants to see how things go. Don’t confuse this with wanting to take things SLOW; they are not the same thing.  This girl will give it up, but trust me it will cost you one way or another. You may not have to spend cash or that much cash to hit it initially, but she will get you !! Example: Smearing you to her girls and other women (word of mouth, the web, text, you name it), messing you up with a woman you REALLY LIKE and care about, GETTING PREGNANT, stalking you on your job, posting you on websites (Girl Don’t Date Him is one of them), keying the car, slashing the tires. Must I continue? Well for a second. I remember one of my friends putting a change of address to her former dudes house at the post office and all of his mail was routed to a vacant lot (p.s.  did I mention he had checks mailed to him for his business…oops forgot that part, sorry)!!!  Or the time she acted if everything was cool with the two of them, even had sex with him. THEN, she asked him to go get them both something to eat and said he could drive her car. After he left in her car, she called the police and told them that her car had been stolen and then PRESSED charges !!!!  (Sorry A.N. I had to put it out there girl, it was a while back. Ya’ll broke up, RIGHT? LOL)

(10) She is overemotional. She cries at the drop of a hat. Puts her feelings all out on FB. She is insecure. Always questioning whether you truly want to be with her. Always questioning your intentions. Reading too much into what you say. Constantly questioning you. Doing more talking than listening, more acting than observing.

These are just a FEW. Women are complex. You don’t think I could get all of these out in just one writing, did you?  Have you or should I say DO YOU SEE THESE SIGNS? If so, you better get to running in the opposite direction.

RIGHT THING, WRONG PERSON

Relationships require work. When you give the right thing to the wrong person you are setting yourself up for failure.  Let’s be real, we have all done it.  There is a plethora of information (self help books, videos, internet) dealing with women and relationships or lack thereof.  Women are emotional beings, men are physical. Women get “hung up” quicker than a man.  But, I have yet to see an informational vehicle for men who sincerely want to find “the one”.

I will start off by clarifying who “The One” happens to be. God is “The One”. The help meet He blesses you with is #2.

It absolutely confounds me when I talk to my male friends and they waste so much time on women with no substance, but DOG OUT the “diamond”.  Men are visual, but there must come a point in your life where you look past the surface and venture a little deeper. Proverbs 31:30 ” Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised”.  The Word plain and direct.

Don’t get me wrong you MUST be attracted to the person you are with. Otherwise you are destined to creep outside of  the relationship. The woman could be drop dead gorgeous and you STILL have to check yourself once in a while. So if  there is no attraction and you are settling, there will be problems.   However, you must be wise about your decisions.  A male friend of mine met this girl who was really attractive. When he began to talk about her all he could talk about was “how fine” she happened to be.  He left out that when he went to pick her up for their first date that he had to kick trash out of the way to get through the front door, and the rest of the trash was hidden underneath the sofa and in the closets !!!  I told him not to marry this girl but she had him whipped !!!  Co-signing for apartments, cars, the whole nine. Needless to say she turned out to be a nightmare ! No class whatsoever ! Ghetto, foul-mouthed, could not cook, would not clean, the list can go on forever. Now even though they are divorced he is linked to this chick forever, because they had a child in the process. Why? Because she was FINE !! Now all I hear him do is complain. I have asked him what you are complaining about now? She’s not so fine now, huh?  He failed to see the signs or he just chose to ignore them.

Ask yourself, do you know the signs?